Someone Special

I have been thinking for a while about what is important in one's life.. For some it is money..some fame.. some power and for some it is love and happiness... I fall into the last category.. For me love and relationships mean the most.. I would do anything to keep people close to me happy.. My friend often tells me that I get so involved in my relationship that I forget myself and all I do work towards the relationship.. This though makes me happy but in the process I have lost myself.. Yeah I know I keep saying this to myself.. But havent really done anything about it. But that is not what I am getting at.. My question is how much importance should you give to that Special Someone in your life. If you ask me I would say he/she means the most to you. But in hindsight do you really want to give yourself to someone and in a way be at the mercy of that person? Ok.. this is something very harsh but that is the gist of it.. Your happiness/sadness/mood depends on that one person. And he/she affects and influences you so much that your very existance is dependent on him/her. Is it really worth it to give so much importance to that one person? No.. The answer is very logical..No brainer.. you should not give the importance to one person..Despite knowing this we do the same thing. I have always believed in this.. i live for love and relationship.. and have been hurt a number of times.. and i am trying to unlearn to do this..and live for myself.. but it is hard.. 32 years of believing something and then changing it can be difficult. I still cannot believe that something that I believed in so strongly would hurt me so much.. or have I always been believing the wrong thing?

Happiness

Life is a bitch.. One thing after the other it keeps throwing challenges at you. And all you can do is play the game.. Get hurt.. Fall down..feel miserable and then get up again. We all move ahead thinking that this new phase will bring something that will keep you happy forever.. But happiness is a myth.. well not really.. being happy is an Art..much like any form of art that you can think of.. because it needs to be practiced and practiced day in and day out if you want to really excel in it. I say so because I have come to realize that the only person who can make you happy is you.. No matter how close people may be to you.. how soothing their touch maybe unless you can make yourself happy no body can.. Its something what I realize but how do I practice it.. That is a question that is lingering in my mind. Circumstances make you go crazy and let bizzare thoughts into your mind.. How do you calm your mind so that you are not always anxious and insecure.. How do you train your mind to make it understand that there are certain things in life that you cannot control. The only person you can control is yourself and that you need to do that in order to keep yourself.. But the bigger question for me is..Why do we make our happiness so dependent on others even after knowing all this?

Uncertainties

Uncertainties are a way of life.. It is true that life is uncertain and that you never know what is going to happen next..Yet we plan and pray that everything falls according to the plan.. My life has been filled with uncertainties (agree everybody's is)..but sometimes i wonder and get bogged down by the things that we wished would happen but it is just taking so long for it to happen. And new surprises keep popping up now and then. How do you deal with such emotions? How can you shift gears easily and at the same time be supportive of your loved ones when the turmoil is inside you. Hoping for quick relief..

Just something

Well..been a long time since I posted something..should I just say that I have been too busy..naah the truth is that I have too much free time..more than what I would like..Well I never knew living alone at times can really kill you..imagine waking up really late on a sat or sun just because you know that you dont have anything to do..so you sleep some more and a little more to just pass time till a time when your back starts to hurt and you know you have to wake up for the sake of your back..and then starts the fun part..so u brush and shower and sitting in front of the tv(which you don't even acknowledge otherwise) and browse through the channels one after the other.. And I lady luck wants to shine on you, you may find something interesting to watch else u go on with this activity till you get bored of this as well..and decide to sleep again for sometime to kill time...

Well Boredom Just sometimes make u do crazy things like clean up...
Spent my weekend doing just that... :(

Relationships yet again

Relationships are funny..
They are nice, good, happy and bang one moment and things change..
Things were going fine.. normal.. I was happy..
And then one sentence and everything changed..
I come down from a state of euphoria to the same ole shit hole i have tried so hard to overcome in the last few years.
The question here lies.. Why do we make ourselves do dependent on others that one sentence can make your whole world go topsy turvy?
But the bigger question is does the other person also feel the same..
having said that..am I overreacting to something that may not be so serious.. I dunno have too many questions in my mind..
A good conversation may help.. :)

Some thoughts that are currently in my mind...

I feel confused.. I feel lost.. I feel the need to do something.. I feel the need to change my outlook.. I feel the need to be at ease with myself.. I'm trying hard to motivate myself but somehow somewhere this is not enough..

For a very long time I have had this feeling that my life is not meaningful and trust me this feeling has not gone away.Every night before I sleep I think about myself and my life. Though everything seems to be going fine yet that discontent is there in me which never seems to go away.
For a long time i used to think that once maybe i settle down things will fall into place. But now i have doubts about the same too.I don't know how to ease this restlessness in me.

I have started to do something which i never did before. Look for motivational stuff to cheer me up..read up on How to build lost self confidence,etc. I have always been an easy going girl and sometimes I think I have always got what I wanted without having to work very hard for it so does that make me the person who wants everything but doesn't work for it.I would earlier believe that I could get anything i wished for but after quite a lot of failures I am not sure of myself anymore. I am not sure if i will ever get what i want and this battle continues in my mind and heart every single day..

I envy people who have a penchant for perfection. Its the passion that drives them motivates them and its been a while I've been trying to look for that passion within me..something that will motivate me to go and follow my heart.

People say u must introspect..look deep within yourself and you will find the answers.. I have heard this since I was a kid but I have never been able to practice.. Somehow it just doesn't work for me..What do I ask myself? One question has hundreds of answers and then I get confused which one is the right one.. Which one of these answers my calling..Am I trying to fool myself with the answers.. Am i trying to just assuage myself? How does this introspection work?
Most times I keep hoping that one day I hear my calling and then I'm good to go but this never happens and sometimes i feel its too filmy to think that one day a miracle will happen and you will know what you need to do..
Its all a layer of illusion that we build around ourselves to protect us from getting hurt, from facing reality.
Sometimes I feel that we run after money,fame, etc. Of course who doesn't want a luxurious life but then is the end of life.. We grow up..get married..have kids..buy a house..a car..and other fancy stuff..grow old..get retired and then die one fine day.. What is the use of all these materialistic things and also what is the use of all the knowledge and all the lessons we learnt in life. We die..become soulless..knowledge less..still..empty. Then where does all the knowledge go? Why do we all strive for it?
Confused...I am..looking for light and the other end of the tunnel..Trying hard to see one ray that will take me to the other side.

Relationships

I have been thinking about relationships for sometime..
Sometimes I wonder what is the most important ingredient that goes on to make a relationship strong.. Is it love..trust..mutual respect..care.. the need to keep a relationship going.. selflessness..friendship..commitment.. What is it that makes a relationship strong and everlasting?
Sometimes i feel all of the above are necessary but if i needed to pick one which one would it be?
Can a relationship be truly selfless.. totally giving and not have any expectations in return?
Can you trust a relationship so much that u give a damn to the rest of the world?
What would happen if that relationship would then betray you? What would you do in such a situation.. heartbroken do you go looking for another relationship that would fill that void in you.. or live with the pain for the rest of your life and not trust any further relationships that you may get into?
Why does one strive for a relationship going knowing it has a lot many faults.. knowing that sometimes you lose your identity in them..
Sometimes you are a mother.. a daughter.. a friend.. a girlfriend.. a wife..
How many such identities can we balance.. Giving importance to one you are blamed of ignoring the others.. How long can one go balancing these relationships and losing out on the relationship you have with your soul?There is always a conflict which never ends..
So many questions.. So many if's and but's but the answer's vary..
Which is the best option to pick.
Life always makes you chose things.. and you choose whats best for you at that point in time .. But then again you are not sure if that choice was the right one..Things can go wrong anytime anywhere..
Life is such a complicated thing.. in such situations how do you keep yourself happy?
makes others around you happy?
we can't make everyone happy but still we strive to do that knowing its a next to impossible task.. So now if you know its so then why do it? is that right?But if you stop then whatever chances you have to make people happy goes away.. Its a cycle and how does one ever get out of it!!! Beats me.. anyone with asnwers????