I feel confused.. I feel lost.. I feel the need to do something.. I feel the need to change my outlook.. I feel the need to be at ease with myself.. I'm trying hard to motivate myself but somehow somewhere this is not enough..
For a very long time I have had this feeling that my life is not meaningful and trust me this feeling has not gone away.Every night before I sleep I think about myself and my life. Though everything seems to be going fine yet that discontent is there in me which never seems to go away.
For a long time i used to think that once maybe i settle down things will fall into place. But now i have doubts about the same too.I don't know how to ease this restlessness in me.
I have started to do something which i never did before. Look for motivational stuff to cheer me up..read up on How to build lost self confidence,etc. I have always been an easy going girl and sometimes I think I have always got what I wanted without having to work very hard for it so does that make me the person who wants everything but doesn't work for it.I would earlier believe that I could get anything i wished for but after quite a lot of failures I am not sure of myself anymore. I am not sure if i will ever get what i want and this battle continues in my mind and heart every single day..
I envy people who have a penchant for perfection. Its the passion that drives them motivates them and its been a while I've been trying to look for that passion within me..something that will motivate me to go and follow my heart.
People say u must introspect..look deep within yourself and you will find the answers.. I have heard this since I was a kid but I have never been able to practice.. Somehow it just doesn't work for me..What do I ask myself? One question has hundreds of answers and then I get confused which one is the right one.. Which one of these answers my calling..Am I trying to fool myself with the answers.. Am i trying to just assuage myself? How does this introspection work?
Most times I keep hoping that one day I hear my calling and then I'm good to go but this never happens and sometimes i feel its too filmy to think that one day a miracle will happen and you will know what you need to do..
Its all a layer of illusion that we build around ourselves to protect us from getting hurt, from facing reality.
Sometimes I feel that we run after money,fame, etc. Of course who doesn't want a luxurious life but then is the end of life.. We grow up..get married..have kids..buy a house..a car..and other fancy stuff..grow old..get retired and then die one fine day.. What is the use of all these materialistic things and also what is the use of all the knowledge and all the lessons we learnt in life. We die..become soulless..knowledge less..still..empty. Then where does all the knowledge go? Why do we all strive for it?
Confused...I am..looking for light and the other end of the tunnel..Trying hard to see one ray that will take me to the other side.
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2 comments:
Just went thru your blog,you write amazingly ,I mean what you have written actually , somewhere or the other does echo each one of our thoughts as well,I'm sure.especially the last part where you say life is such a routine for most of us ,we are born ,then grow up ,go to school ,strt wrking ,get married, hv kids grw old n die ....How i really wish i could also put down my thoughts into words in such a lovely manner.Cheers to u!
Thanks a lot Dia.. It is just an outpour of a confused mind :)
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